2004-08-06 - 2:34 p.m.
Sowing and reaping, bitter expectations, bitter judgments, increase.
If you were in my head you would see those terms floating around alot... When I was a kid, a made an aweful lot of judgements against myself, God, my parents, and people in general. I believed alot of lies and I agreed with many evil things that affect me to this day. So I'm asking God to take me back to that primitive state and help me remember.
It's no lie... no matter how much she may need this break, it still hurts. It's hard not to feel left on the corner. It's hard not to feel like a fool. It's hard not to wonder why... We sit around and tell ourselves that we need to do 'this and this' to fix our lives. An infinite God sees the sacrifice and is convinced to change us? No, He just sees us and knows we are trying; God knows how difficult it is to relate to an invisible God.
It's hard not to pick the 'scene of your martyrdom,' we have to realize that God is doing his work regaurdless of what we try. He doesn't need us to add to the character building he has for us. Try as I may to believe that this whole 'break' is a work (in the biblical sense), I realize that this may have nothing to do with God at all. Some reasoning tells me to believe that this is a character building time of sheer reliance on God. Other reasoning screams that this is just a girl getting confused by some other guy because the guy she had didn't get it right.
I believe in blessing God for this no matter what. If this is His sending, then I will look towards Jerusalem and realize this crucible was destined. If this was just between a girl and a guy, I'll learn what I should have already known and comfort myself, knowing that it wasn't me that left.
Either way: Help me Jesus to hope in what's real...and help, please just help.
