2004-08-07 - 8:29 p.m.
I didn't go to dinner with other Alliance members tonight, I was too tired and distracted. Seriously, every time it hits my heart...whoosh, pain, physical pain lamenting my regret. I'm very drained about love.
Am I a dirtbag? Do I ask for more than I should? Have I been unfair...who knows. I'm just tired of clenching my jaw and giving a face that looks like the starving children on the 'feed africa' commercials. I'm tired of arguments and feeling bad because I didn't want to quit. Like there was ever any real secret to success anyway...it's just a choice.
I'm tired of ranting like a school boy after getting beaten up by the playground bully.
I'm stupid, overwieght, unatractive, naive, foolish, impatient, and sad. There is nothing I had to offer any woman anyway. This feels like going back to the drawing board all over again. I can't shut up, stay away, or stay in perspective. I hate myself and all the crap that I've put myself through. It's no wonder she had second thoughts. I'm just tired of trying for anything other than the perfect and obvious relationship with God. I didn't choose this to happen, I'm just tired of trying to make it stop when I didn't start it. I'm back to the start with me and God. It's probably going to stay that way for a long long time.
--this hurts more than it makes you angry that I can't stay away.
