2004-08-14 - 10:33 p.m.
I just wrote for twenty minutes, and I've erased everything I wrote. It wasn't unkind or inncorect, it was just futile. Sometimes I wonder if she was hidden in a corner and saw be break down, if she was invisible and heard my prayers. If she was invisible and watched my eyes sparkle as I wrote letters and watched me get up in the morning and go to work. Sometimes I think something like that would cause anyone to believe in you...
We all did that as children; pretend your crush is hidden in a corner and start to act as kind and cool as you can. To this day, I still pretend she's invisible and everything I do counts. In a dream I do something heroic and it is noticed, I am loved again. But the good things you do need to be done in a corner...integrity.
I'm ready to have peace, but this pain is going to last months and maybe years. She probably won't ever love me again, but if I can just keep acting like she's watching anyway...maybe I'll have integrity because of my Dulcinea... or, I can remember God is watching; he understands what unrequited love feels like.
and he keeps track of every hair that falls from my head and ends up on my chest.
