2004-08-24 - 1:02 a.m.
I felt something or realized something tonight. It was something that I had been hearing for so long that finally kicked in; a piece of my heart died with it...some has such a tired heart, and others have restless hearts. I wish I could say that the death was instantaneous, but I am sure it will be slow and bittersweet.
There are some that do not believe in me, they will always assume I speak many words, but I will always find a way to remain unstable. There are a smaller bunch that believe, but they can't do anything to help; saying, "I believe," but there is nothing more they can give. In the end, there is no one with understanding, there are none that really know but Christ. I've always just wanted to be asked to stay and not go, cause I've always said that to others. Adam said so well in his lyrics what I feel towards so many; he knew his audience well.
"Get away from me, get away from me; this isn't going to be easy, and I don't need you, believe me. Yeah, you've got a piece of me, but it's just a little piece and I don't need anyone these days to feel like I'm fading away... sometimes when I hear myself on the radio; have you seen me lately? Have you seen me lately?"
"I was out on the radio trying to change; somewhere out in America it's raining, so tell me one thing, that you can remember about me..."
"Well I thought that someone would notice, I thought that somebody would say something if I was missing, well can't you see me?! ...give me your white skin."
Pity? No, just some thoughts that cover a range of emotion. When I don't have something of substance to give, I give songs to pretty girls on c.d.s. I don't have the range to express what a twenty-three year old thinks and feels, I just make mixes. I make good mixes, but I leave people scared of my shadow while they're stuck in my marrow. In an expression of grace, the Lord gave us some heavy rain, if the Earth wasn't clean before, it is now. Even now, there are more showers comming. Grey.
Dear God, I pray so much for so little; you have a treasure house in store for me. People see me down on my luck, I see you making me a man of character. Friends are blind, or they play to an audience just like I do, but it never surprises me to know that you still believe. Don't let my heart fade, it's fading... Here's something to chew on, something I aim to place in a song:
"Sweet day, so cool, so calm, so bright, the bridal of the earth and sky."
...George Herbert
