2004-08-25 - 1:34 p.m.
I feel like a failure after yesterday. I can't think of one good redeeming thing I did all day. I'm going to work now, it's going to be a hundred degrees for eight hours and I'm afraid of getting sick from it. I don't know, I just want patience. To wait things out and let God heal all the screwing up I've done over the last couple weeks.
I do believe in the future and blessings to go with it. I believe that there is hope still to remain as committed as I've ever been. She was right when she said I wasn't really closing my heart; I just got tired of feeling pushed around. I'm known so well, too well sometimes. So I'll wait for whatever the future brings. I want to be forgiven, I want sins to be forgotten. I want her fears of me to be driven away, I want my heart to be revealed above all other things.
My heart is pure in its love, and my mind has purposed to not spoil whatever might be planned. I had an aweful goodbye yesterday, but I can forget that goodbye and ask to be forgiven for it. I forgive yesterday's aweful goodbye and the person I tried to hold on to. Past is past, but the future...goodness, I'm not loosing hope in it. I got something in the mail yesterday and it reminded me what I was waiting for. I'll make sure it gets to its rightful owner soon enough, I'm sure she will understand why it took so long in comming. I'm sure that all things will be made clear soon enough. Nathan was right and a good example to me now; we will get through this, we'll get through it because I've decided to get through it.
Writing this has been the best and most true thing I've said all day and yesterday.
