2004-09-08 - 4:13 p.m.
Retrospect sets in and I start to see what a nuisance I have become. I used to call thinking that my calls were being received from someone that was as hopeless to talk to me as I was to her. I thought that my feeling of despair to speak to her was mutual. The feeling of despair was mutual you see, but she did not despair out of want to talk to me, she despaired because she didn't want to talk to me.
She was honest with me yesterday, she told me to leave her. I have to honor that. I wrote a pretty honest song about everything yesterday after the deal went down. I realized while I was thinking outside, I'm back where I started I just wish...
It's a couple Mays ago. This thin little girl tells me she knows someone that likes me; she points her out. I start to pace back and forth, anxiety fills my brain. I'd been content to be alone and it suddenly happens, there a real woman that is willing to be met. She knows more about me than I know about her; she's already lost sleep over me. I start to loose sleep over the next 36 hours, but I finally get the courage to speak to her.
...something different happens this time, different from the last time. It's me, standing over my own shoulder, invisible, while I talk to that mysterious woman. I tell her to meet me at eight o'clock at the fountain. I walk home and open my Bible. Scriptures of love and wisdom pour through my body. Whispering over my own shoulder, I start to minister to that broken and lost child that is still so much a part of me. Maybe, just maybe he learns some patience in that short time. Soon, it's time to go back to school and see her at the fountain.
She's there, beautiful, graceful, and full of doubt about this guy standing before her. But some things never change and I start out telling her all the wrong things I've done with my life. After that, I tell her, 'I don't want to talk about me anymore...' So I ask her a few good questions about herself. Our time is almost done because we both have things to do. That's when I tell her what I should have told her so many months ago. "Adrienne, you are better than me. I can see a great future for you, and I hope I can be your friend along the way. Anything more than that and I will hurt you dearly. I've never learned how to love and respect someone like I needed to; I'm not ready, even after four years."
In a sudden rush of energy, a surprise because I'm about to say too much... I tell her, "Adrienne, I adore you, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone (I adored her from the moment I saw her first), and I don't want you to fall in love with me. Let me follow you at a distance, let me hide in a shadow. Cause Adrienne, I want to be like Jacob; I'll work for seven years in prayer, coffee shops, nursing homes, churches, and in love, I'll win you over. Don't let me win you yet, keep me at a distance and let Jesus heal me like I need to be healed...I know I sound foolish, but trust me, I'm not going to fail..." Ofcourse, she doesn't know what to say, but it gives her plenty to think about over her summer.
*I wish I would have known then what I know now. I would have done that very thing. Somehow, I guess that's where I'm at now though. Out of her life but promised to love her until she is promised to someone else. I can't see past my face. I can't see anything, but I know that I'll let these things go. It will be a cold, rainy night in November while walking to work, I'll see my breath like smoke from incense rising to Heaven; my prayers will not stop even then, I'll still be asking God for the same woman I should have loved better so many days ago.
Yesterday I created some smoke in the backyard and I told God to smell the smoke from the only offering I had left. It's mostly possible I'm not going to win this one the way I had hoped. It's likely that I'll have to learn from all this, but I just want to take back all the wrong I've inflicted and replace it with love. Only God can do that; I'm just a man starting over. I'll be gone soon enough though, and things will fade into memory.
I hope God sees the smoke and has mercy.
