2004-09-11 - 1:23 a.m.
This is my diary site, so I get to talk about me. That's a good way to start this entry because I've learned something lately. I know, I know...I'm always realizing something, but just hear me out, you obviously cared enough to click on this site anyway.
I was in the laundry today, and I was talking to God very openly. I wondered if those times when I was younger really happened. I'm refering to those times that I would speak to God and I swore he spoke back to me. Even now I talk to God and I hear a little voice answering back. I wrestled with some hurt because I realized that it might have been inner monologue this whole time, God really wasn't talking back at all.
I talked to someone else tonight and they told me how difficult it was to talk to me because I tend to bring everything back to me, making it about me. I wanted to argue, but I knew there was a lot of truth to it, a lot. I get it, I don't listen like I should listen.
Seriously, I have never really listened like I really cared for the other person. I always had an objective to bring things into my world. My world is my world and there is nothing wrong with that. But my world isn't someone else's world, they have their own. Jesus was so cool because He left his world and tried to make a home with us in our world. It hurt him a bunch too.
He had nothing to learn from us, we had nothing to give Him. He entered our world and died for it, with everything to offer us, but nothing to gain but one thing; Christ came down to meet us where we were. Man couldn't be drawn into the life of God except that way; he joined us. He would have done it for one soul or billions...or maybe just because He loved.
Here I am, with everything to gain from joining others in their worlds. I have nothing to offer, I can have no intention but to know someone in their world. I cannot have any objective but to join someone in their world. I've always asked and answered my own questions. I was taught to do that, and it has destroyed a lot of love I could have given. This entry isn't for one person either, it's for everybody. God used one person to show me this, he's used this person to sharpen many things in my life, and I'm grateful. I wonder...what did I ever really do for any of you reading this? don't answer that.
I'm sorry everyone for not joining you in your worlds. I was wrong. It's 1:35 am, september eleventh. Mark the day. I promise to start joining you in your world. I promise to stop trying to show you mine. You world is more important than mine because it's your's. Forgive me friends. I love all of you, albeit pissed that some of you have little nice things to say about me...all the same, I love all of you and I swear that I will listen. Sharpen me by showing me your worlds, teach me about the stuff that moves you...I've had enough of what 'works' for me anyway.
Your Friend
