2004-10-01 - 1:35 a.m.
I might very well join the Army. It's not just a desire to operate a weapon, and it's beyond my personal life and a cry for attention...I've always thought about this. I think it would build character, strength, focus, and an oportunity to serve as a Christian in an unlikely place. Because I'm a Christian, this could make me an even better soldier than otherwise.
I've been writing down a lot of shit lately that I don't really mean; some of my entries are going to be erased, I just don't want to forget that I wrote them, even though no one could have read them anyway...just feels like I wanted to pretend to hate and pretend to lust; I just wanted peace anyway.
She isn't comming back. She is going to graduate, not look back, move to Kansas City and become Nic's wife. I really hate that, but I don't have a reason to stay around any longer. She'll never understand that I loved her, or rather, she won't understand that I never tried to hurt her, I was shocked...so completely shocked by all of this. I don't think she will ever open her eyes to me, she doesn't want to. I don't think we will be friends because she doesn't want that either.
I don't really know what she thinks anymore. She was willing to be in a relationship with me and be Nic's friend, but things aren't the same and she will not have anything to do with me. This really hurts. I just wish her eyes would be opened to the loss I feel, I wish she would have compassion and realize that there still might be love. She believes that she has clarity; she just as confused as I am. She's missing the issue with another relationship...I hope it doesn't ruin it because of that. She doesn't know what she is doing, but I do know that even if she does figuer it out, or even if I am wrong (and that seems likely these days...), she isn't going to come back anyway.
I'm not in a rush to get married, I don't need another girl, that's the last thing I need. I just want to put myself out there and follow Christ. She has given up and I really really want to, I just can't yet. Even though she hates me, that will fade someday...I hope.
Someday
