2004-12-20 - 12:21 a.m.
I was amazed this morning; the service with the church was astounding. We took communion for the first time that I can recall, I was impressed and surrounded by a presense I cannot describe but long to feel again. When you stop to think about the majesty of the Father, you end up wondering why anything mattered besides Him in the first place.
All the same, I wish I could be rid of the duplicity within myself. I feel like an actor tonight because I comprehend the capacity I have to sin, willingly. I shudder to think upon the words I have spoken before; I have hurt so many chances and too many people. I wonder at times when my life will become consistent at things other than self-deprication and loathing. You'd think with all this bitterness towards myself I'd change so much more than I have.
-but this is me tonight. It rocked my heart to think about her telling me I was a dreamer too. She feared for the new person in my life because she saw me as a dreamer, a believer in pipe dreams too. I can claim I've been consistant all I want, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it is my biggest fear. I don't want to be a rotter. I don't want to fail another season. All in all, it's December, it's long; I've been needing a miracle for some time, I'll be expecting it soon.
No superheroes, just a man that needs to understand what that really means.
