2005-02-23 - 11:51 p.m.
Dear Adrienne,
This isn't a personal entry, but I'm sitting here knowing that you likely know me better than anyone else does. I sit here on the verge of tears because I'm scared. I'm so scared of failing. I've gotten so used to loosing things; jobs, cars, girls, hope... I don't know what to do with all this.
No one told me that blessing could be so warped to seem like a curse. I used to have consistency; I found identity in loss. I know how to mess this up; I'll do alright for a couple months, even get into another relationship... but I know how to loose it all; done it before, and I bet I could even do it all in a couple weeks time. I feel so enslaved tonight, I can't possibly succeed.
This really is something I would write to you, I tried to call you just a few minutes ago because you are the only person that has really seen my frustration. I just need a friend and things feel so alone these days. I know this is a good moment...how could anything that feels so real be anything but good? Maybe it's bad, I don't know.
In my mind I know that positive things can cause stress too. But I'm so afraid this is more than a function of my mind...maybe I'm worthless. Wanna know why you are special? It's because you've seen past the mirage. Ofcourse, this isn't a love letter, I just needed a friend to talk to. You are one of the kindest people I've ever met; I just want you to see me, and believe in me. I really need that right now. Who am I kidding... I've been sobbing like a little kid since I started writing this.
I promise you that your life is going to have great joy and success. When that happens it might feel like everything is caving in around you. I'm so sure it's going to be ok, I just needed to let this out. Please...tell me you believe. Tell me it's ok. Such strange things to be so upset about.
Michael
