2005-05-05 - 1:22 a.m.
I broke down today. I was sad today. Reasons I cannot really justify, I was mad and confused. Tonight I found out that a fellow student was assualted today; I'm scared to death it is someone I care about.
Why so sad? I came to terms with my dreams today. I have to give some of them up. What's left? What to do when I graduate? There is no one left to dissapoint, just me and a pile of debts that God longs to cancel. All of that is something to look forward to; it's time to give up on being a Jedi, and it's time to get used to being alone in a way I have not allowed myself to get used to.
So, deeper life in the body. Bills paid sooner than later. A bed and breakfast in five years, nine thousand miles away... You have no idea how pleasant that sounds. My pride hurts a little today; there won't be a hand on the shoulder for this, this, it's something I can only surrender, like many things.
I said, "I want more." Didn't know it would look like this, man...
