2005-07-07 - 2:22 p.m.
Joy has come to do laundry today, it's kept me from breaking into tears as I would have liked. I am completely undone and exposed by the pain of understanding. Like a woman that cannot bear a child, I feel like I've got no way to bear any real kind of love.
If only Joy wasn't here right now; I'd collapse in tears and confess my sins, get it out, but it feels like the great deceiver has sent her here to keep me from crying. I want to cry, I want to pray out of desperate measure; I don't know of a single solid thing in me.
...and there is an angel asking me if he should kill the Lizard that is perched on my shoulder. I'm scared of loosing it because it's whispers are very convincing. What should happen to it if it were slain?
The Answer is elsewhere, and if Joy ever leaves, I'm hoping to have it out with the voice presently.
