2005-07-29 - 1:17 p.m.
I just got done hurting for the last seven minutes, that's all it is anymore, just an ache for a little bit, then hope again. I would like to scream to God, "Oh, won't you just fix my insides a little quicker?!"
But, there is good still to be had. Did a credit check, and yes, December is the month of my life. From there, I will be setting out for something unknown I guess. I was doing some thinking...
Everytime a girl falls for me, it seems to have come right after a dark time in my life. Last relationship I had, I was single and lonely for years. I had nothing to loose, but I was so used to being alone that it actually took me a couple dates to even think I really liked the girl I would end up falling for. I was so entirely NOT desperate and really only remotely interested at the start of it; that must have made me very appealing.
Nowadays, I realize how close all those promises of me making something of myself really are, and I just wonder, "Where did the person go that used to cheer for me..." Where did that go? I get attached very easily to people and the role they have in my life. I've always felt empty without special friends.
In short, today feels bittersweet because I have good news, but it doesn't feel the same when you don't have the same people to share it with. It's hurts the heart when the last memory you remember is anger. We always think we have all the time in the World, and I don't know why we ever think its true. There must have been a better way to do the things I've done, I wish I would have understood a little better.
...but don't let this regret take away the fact that it's time to be joyful. I did well this summer in school, I've worked my butt off and it has paid off for me. I am glad because it wasn't a lie, I am going to get out of this six-year funk and move forward. This pain in my gut? Oh, yeah, that's the excitement of realizing I haven't the slightest clue where I'll be a year from now; I haven't felt that way in a long time. I still have coffee in my life, though the cigarettes are missed sometimes. Final thought when considering the mystery of the future?
Bring it.
